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"You just can't get drunk in front of anyone anymore! You could get loaded and pass out with Mother Theresa and Ghandi, and when you woke up they'd be naked and on top of you... And never get loaded with a bisexual. They'll take anyone who passes out."

Adam Carolla

"You know, one thing I do remember about Don Magic Juan's Honeycomb Hideout is the toilet paper: hundred-dollar bills. I wasn't sure if it was real hundred-dollar bills, but I used my hand just to play it safe, and I took about 30 feet of it and I stuffed it in my pocket."

Adam Carolla

"I don't know how to work a computer. I've never put my name in a computer, never looked on any web sites. Somebody has owned AdamCarolla.com for 10 years, and I don't even know who owns it."

Adam Carolla